Not long ago the life of our family was turned upside down yet again. It was not the loss of another baby, no, this time it was something much different. It put us in a situation that we had never been in before.
We have been extremely hurt not just because of what happened but also because of the attack not just on my husband, but on our family. Personally I was attacked for the very way God has made me. Though I know I am a work in progress, my personality is not a loud and outgoing one, but I have been trying very hard to work on becoming more outgoing. The Lord gave me the personality I have and I know I will never be one vying for the center of attention, yet I know the Lord gave me this personality for a reason. The old saying “Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is definitely not true. This has been a very trying time. Talk about throwing our family right off the mountain top high we had been on since the arrival of our sweet baby girl just three weeks prior from when this all began.
Satan attacks. His attacks are very real. Sometimes God’s own people are used to aid in Satan’s attacks when they are not living as they should before God. One person even told my husband that he was trying to discourage him. Yes, he really did admit that was his intent, to discourage. What are we supposed to do when that happens? Can I tell you how difficult it is to keep silent and let the stones be thrown? Everything in your flesh cries out for *justice* and to set the record straight. Keeping the flesh under control has taken much help from the Holy Spirit.
Since this event took place 3 weeks ago I have found myself crying out to God for understanding. For direction. For wisdom. I admit, it seems like the walls of Heaven are silent. We cannot see clearly through this fog we are in and we do not understand why God has chosen this path for our lives.
When I first found out about this situation my mind thought of Proverbs 3:5-6 which talks about trusting in the Lord and not leaning on our own understanding. It is hard to not have all the answers, is it not? It would be so great if when we asked the Lord why, that He would answer in an audible way instantly. I suppose if He did that then we would not have to trust Him as much, would we? If He always explained the moving of His hand then we would be more prone to lean on our own understanding.
As a youth Pastor my husband has often challenged our teenagers to trust the Lord with their lives. To put their future in His hands and leave it there. He has encouraged them to not make plans for their lives based on what they want, but rather what God wants.
How can we teach this to young people and not live it out ourselves? When the rubber meets the road, are we all talk or do we choose to walk that talk? Do we choose to trust the Lord with our lives?
I’ll admit, worry and fear have crept into my heart more times than I care to admit. My heart has felt overwhelmed as I try to think of ways to help *fix this problem* in my own strength. However, even though I have battled with these different thoughts, my heart honestly says, “YOUR will GOD, not mine!” Do I know what that will is right now? Um, no! Do I wish that I DID know His will right now? Oh YES!
This situation has driven me to my knees so much more throughout my day. This situation has stretched my faith immensely. I have asked God what He is doing and why He has chosen for us to walk a difficult path so much more often than what it seems other people do. At the end of the day though, I look up to the Heavens and I plead that God would help me to trust Him and that I would have the faith needed to walk this path so that everything about it would bring glory to God.
Sometimes it seems that God is silent. Sometimes that silence is tough to deal with, but just because it seems that God is being silent that does not mean He is far away. His presence is very real and when my mind is stayed on Him His peace surpasses my understanding. For now He has chosen to only light our path right where we are standing and that is all. I am learning to be okay with that.
I have found great comfort in passages of Scripture all over the Bible! In the wee morning hours when I am up with my newborn I find myself reading Psalms and finding huge doses of encouragement. If you are ever feeling down, pick up God’s Word and check out Psalm 61, or Psalm 91 or even Psalm 46! I also have enjoyed 1 Peter lately. I am purposefully reading passages of Scripture that I know are full of encouragement. Encourage yourself in the Lord your God!
We will climb back up this mountain, God will eventually show us the path He wants us to take. In the meantime, here we are praying, trusting, waiting. As I hold my newborn baby girl I am reminded again and again that God DOES hear and answer our prayers, she is living proof! While we wait I will continue to enjoy these newborn baby snuggles! Don’t mind if I do!