Five Years in Heaven

On this day five years ago, I was at the hospital.

My husband and I were alone, no visitors came to the hospital.  No prayers prayed with us by our Pastor or other church leaders in that hospital room, as we ventured down one of the most difficult paths we have ever been on.

Five years ago my labor was induced, but I was only five months pregnant.

We had just moved to a new town two weeks previously.  Our things were not even unpacked.  We had a new pastor, a new church family, and we had not yet had a chance to really get to know any of them yet.  A brand new chapter in our life that began with a trial I never thought would be mine.

There we were, in the hospital.  Tears streaming down our faces as I labored and eventually gave birth to our sweet little baby boy, born still.  precious feet

Five years ago I remember how God’s grace overwhelmed us. I remember all of those events like it was yesterday.  I remember the doctor saying, “The baby is out” and the moment those words slipped from his mouth, God’s peace engulfed my husband and I like never before.  His presence was nearly tangible!

Our tears dried, and all I could say as I was handed my sweet and precious baby boy was, “He is beautiful!  Look what God has made!”  Our Elioenai Matthew, our gift from God whose eyes would only ever behold our Savior.

That time we had with him was far to short compared to the lifetime I had dreamed with my baby boy.  Nothing can prepare a mother for going through a labor and delivery and instead of walking out a few days later with a sweet new born sleeping soundly, she instead only carries a box full of momentous.  A box containing blankets, jewelry, even photographs you never imagined would be yours.  The only pictures you will ever have of your baby born still.

Those months that followed were a journey where God taught me about His grace in ways I never thought I would learn.  God taught me about how He is worthy of my trust, even when my heart was in shambles.  He was so careful with my fragile heart, but He stretched my faith.  He walked with me through the shadow of death with my baby boy.

Oh the tears were numerous, there were even struggles with anger, battles with guilt, and learning to be content with silence when I asked, “Why, God?”, was not easy.

However, five years later, though I am still not able to talk about that time in our lives without tears stinging my cheeks, I can honestly say “God is always good!”  I can stand before you and declare {by God’s grace}, praise for our God, because He is so worthy!  My heart will probably always ache for that little boy, it will probably still be a long while before I can talk about that time without tears being shed.  But friend, please hear this.

Our circumstances should not determine how much or how little we praise God.  He is worthy of our praise, all of the time.  Whether everything seems right in our world or it all seems upside down.  Whether we can hold our children in our arms, or we long to kiss their cheeks in Heaven, He is still worthy of our praise.  He is still worthy of our love and devotion to Him.  He is worthy!  He understands the pain, He understands the ache, He even understands the struggle, and He is not untouched by our pain!

By God’s grace, while I am still here on earth, I will serve, and love, and work for Christ.

But I will also continue to ask Him to hug my baby boy I long to hold in my arms!  The little boy I long to listen to as he tells of the adventures he has had.  I will keep asking the Lord to tell my little boy I love him so much and how much I miss him.  I will cry and remember the pain, but I will also always remember and thank God for His grace.  His grace that truly is sufficient.

I am So thankful HE carries us!

This song was written by a friend of ours.  A song that shares through music, the words of our heart!

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5 thoughts on “Five Years in Heaven

  1. Yes. Amen. I can’t imagine. Yet I too know the loss of a son. Mine was 20. Forever 20. Dancing with Jesus now for 7 years.

    Hugs from my heart to yours. Susan

  2. Oh my dear – I’m so sorry for your loss but at the same time I’m glad for your joy in your sweet son. It is hard to lose those that we love. My blessings to you.

  3. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us at Good Morning Mondays. I too went through the same thing almost 5 years ago, our little girl was 26 weeks. Just think our children are playing together in Heaven, what a blessing it will be when we get to see them again. I understand your pain and grief but you are so right, God is worthy of praise all the time. Thanks again and blessings to you.

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