Ten years ago my brand new husband and I had just celebrated our five month anniversary when we discovered we were expecting our very first baby! The moment the stick turned pink and we were instantly delighted! Hopes and dreams for our coming baby filled our hearts to the brim and our excitement could hardly be contained! Our very own baby!
Fast forward a few weeks and I found myself at home recovering from emergency surgery and along with being a new bride, I was now a grieving mother. Hopes and dreams of our expectant baby had come crashing down around us and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces.
Miscarriage is not a common topic and I found myself dealing with a grief so deep I dared not mention it. Little did we know we would not just lose our first baby, but the Lord would also give and take four more of our expectant little ones. One of which I labored, delivered, and held our sweet Elioenai Matthew.
Delivering our stillborn son was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. He was beautiful. He was perfectly formed and it made no sense as to why he had died. The day after I delivered him I was discharged from the hospital and instead of walking out with a precious healthy baby cradled in my arms, I left with only a hard box filled with mementos the hospital so graciously gave us. As my husband and I walked out, everything in my heart burned inside! I wanted to turn around and RUN back to my baby boy, scoop him up, and hold him once more! This just was not fair!
Guilt, pain, loneliness, grief, and a real struggle with God’s plan for my happily ever after captivated my life. This was not the story I ever expected for my life.
But God. I am so thankful for those “But God” moments!
God took my fragile shattered heart and piece by piece He ever so gently began to put it back together.
There were and still are, so many tears. To this day, five and a half years later, I cannot look you in the eye and talk about our Eli boy without a lump lodging in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks. I have come to learn though that it is okay, and I am not alone!
Grief is real, it is a valley, but grace can go along with it.
God is big enough and strong enough to handle our real struggles! He is able to grant us the faith we need when our faith is wavering. He is touched by our pain (Hebrews 4:15, “For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.“), and He never expects us to walk through this life alone! His peace will surpass our understanding and His grace will prove to be sufficient.
Because of God’s grace, I have been able to write and complete my newly released book, Made Only For Heaven. This book is designed to help others who have been through this journey, or are still on it, to share that there is HOPE for Healing! It is okay to grieve! It is okay to weep! It is important to remember, this is not your fault! I want to come along side you and let you know, you sweet friend, are not alone! I get the pain you are going through, it runs deep, and it really is not anything you just “get over”, we simply learn to move forward.
If you or someone you love has been through a loss like these, please share with them this book. I yearn to encourage them through sharing my own journey and the struggles and victories through it.
Sometimes when someone we know suffers a loss like this we just do not know what to say and we find ourselves putting our foot in our mouth in an attempt to be helpful! This book will give those who have never endured such a loss, to get a glimpse into the pain their loved one is going through. Sometimes they don’t need our words, they need our shoulder to cry on.
I am thankful God’s grace is sufficient and that He will provide the healing we need.
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